Marky Ramone, the longest-serving drummer with American punk group the Ramones, has got into the condom business. The prophylactics are sold in twin packs with a tube of lubricant, inside a tin box printed with the Ramones' signature American eagle and surrounded by the words, "Marky Ramone Too Tuff to Break". In the adverts, Marky - aka Marc Bell - poses in black leathers with an extended clenched fist, which makes me think of another kind of sexual practice entirely, and not one that I fancy trying.If any Ramone was going to get into the condom business, surely it had to be Johnny. But after a lifetime spent listening to songs like I Don't Wanna Walk Around With You, the Ramones are the last band I would turn to for help with my love life.
The Ramones were a band who wore their sexual dysfunction on their sleeve. The two main lyricists, Joey Ramone (Jeffrey Hyman) and Dee Dee Ramone (Douglas Colvin), were each, in their own way, scarred by romance. Dee Dee specialised in angry rejection, Joey in being rejected, making it easy to tell who was responsible for any given song. It was Dee Dee who wrote I Don't Wanna Walk Around With You and Loudmouth (lyric: "You're a loudmouth, baby. You'd better shut it up"). Although awarding authorship is complicated because Joey occasionally wrote in the persona of Dee Dee; for instance, Beat on the Brat ("with a baseball bat"). These songs date from Dee Dee's ill-starred relationship with Connie Ramone, a drug-addicted prostitute. As Dee Dee was also a drug-addicted prostitute, this must have seemed like a perfect romance but it soon soured. Connie was tall and powerful, and apparently gave as bad - or worse - as she received, as well as attacking any woman who dared to talk to Dee Dee. After a typically violent fight, Connie stormed out of their apartment and Dee Dee yelled the "brat" line out of the window, inspiring Joey to write the song. Dee Dee's autobiography recounts that after their final break-up, Connie continued her life on the streets and then died. It seems clear that Dee Dee never got over their affair.
Dee Dee's time as a prostitute is recounted in the song 53rd and 3rd. His readiness to use autobiographical material in his songs gave Joey the courage to write about his own life. Joey had severe Obssesive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). The documentary film, End of the Century, recounts that it would take Joey hours to walk down a street, avoiding cracks and counting gate posts. Joey was a romantic who loved the girl groups of the early 60s - the Shangri-Las, RonettesThe KKK Took My Baby Away to remind the Republican-leaning Johnny of his crime. and others - and inevitably his love affairs were tragic. Or, rather, his sole love affair was tragic: his only girlfriend, Linda, dumped him for Johnny Ramone (aka John Cummings). Joey and Johnny never again spoke directly for the rest of their lives, though they continued to sit together on tour buses for more than 15 years. Joey wrote the song
The Ramones may have loved, and too well, but they seemed to be incapable of expressing it outside of two-minute songs. Would you buy a condom off these men?
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